Lesson 4: Emotional Release Methods Cont.

Let's open this second part of lesson 4 with an exercise.

Exercise #3: Fixed Emotional Responses

There is a response technique called Fixed Emotional Response. If certain feelings never seem to go away, or if they re-emerge in specific circumstances in a way that is unwanted and apparently outside of your control, these are Fixed Emotional Responses. Actually, YOU create your emotions according to your interpretation of events; they're not directly caused by their circumstances around you or what happens to you. It is much easier to be both spontaneous and rational if such fixed responses are released. So now, apply the previously learned release procedure to each of the following emotions. By answering the questions below, this will help you determine if you have a fixed emotional response. Work with each listed emotion below until you can really feel it strongly, and write your results in your journal. You don't have to do it all in one day. Take 1 to 3 emotions per day and work with them.

Apathy:

Use the following questions to help you detect if you have a fixed emotional response. Write down the answers to the questions that follow in your journal:

“What are some of the things you don’t really care about?”

“What doesn’t really matter in your life?”

“What is never going to change anyway?”

“Is there anything you can’t do anything about?”

“What don’t you even bother trying to do?”

“Is there anything you just aren’t made for?”

“What do you find depressing?”

“Have you ever felt worthless?”

When you spot the emotion of APATHY, RELEASE IT.

Grief:

(handle similarly)

“What reminds you of something you lost?”

“Think of something sad.”

“What is missing in your life?”

“Anything that should be there, but isn’t?”

“Do you feel abused in anyway?”

“Have you felt abandoned or betrayed?”

“What makes you unhappy?”

When you spot the emotion of GRIEF, RELEASE IT.

Shame:

“What are you ashamed of about yourself?”

“What do you wish you hadn’t done?”

“What are you embarrassed about?”

“What about yourself are you trying to hide?”

When you spot the emotion of SHAME, RELEASE IT.

Regret:

“What should you never have done?”

“What part of the past is haunting you?”

“What do you wish you had done?”

“Tell me some mistakes you have made…”

When you spot the emotion of REGRET, RELEASE IT.

Pity:

“Who do you feel sorry for?”

“Who should you help?”

“Who can’t manage by themselves?”

When you spot the emotion of PITY, RELEASE IT.

Fear:

“What shouldn’t happen?”

“What are you trying to prevent happening?”

“Is there anything threatening you?”

“Is somebody after you?”

“IS anything hidden in your life?”

“what don’t you want to look at?”

“Is there any part of your life that is scary?”

When you spot the emotion of FEAR, RELEASE IT.

Anger:

“Who do you hate?”

“Who so you think deserves to suffer?”

“What do you feel like destroying?”

“Who really drives you mad?”
”What do you think is outrageous?”

When you spot the emotion of ANGER, RELEASE IT.

Antagonism:

“Who are you envious of?”

“Who do you think you are superior too?”

“Who or what do you have contempt for?”

“What deserves criticism?”

“What do you find really frustrating?”

“What do ou argue about?”

“What are you obsessed about?”

When you spot the emotions of ANTAGONISM, RELEASE IT.

(Unexpressed) Resentment:

“What do you not agree with, but haven’t said openly?”

“What don’t you like about someone else?”

“What should someone else not have don’t to you?”

“Is somebody else doing things differently than you want?”

When you spot the emotion of (UNEXPRESSED) RESENTMENT, RELEASE IT.

Indifference:

“What do you have no interest in?”

“What do you have nothing to do with?”

“What aren’t you going to bother changing?”

“What di you find boring?”

“What are you skeptical about?”

When you spot the emption of INDIFFERENCE, RELEASE IT.

Exercise #4: Emotional Expression

These exercises are based on the principle that what you can do consciously and deliberately you will no longer do unconsciously and compulsively.

1. Consider how you get into different emotions. Start with the ones you most frequently feel and find particular recent occurrence. Go through the incident:

   What do you see? What do you hear? What do you feel, externally and internally? Don't except it is something that "just happens". There will be something that either triggers the emotion (such as something that you say to yourself or think, even nonverbally) or there will be conditions that you feel are the right ones to have that emotion, and there will be specific ways that emotion is activated. Then, RELEASE that emotion.

2. When you have worked through ones you've frequently used to the point where you can activate them at will, pick some you don't often use but that other people do. Work out what would be a strategy for getting into such emotions. Then recall a time when you did have that emotion and release it.

3. Then work through the following resource full and emotional states. Write out your experience in your journal. Recall a time when you felt:

   Amused, excited, daring, fascinated, stimulated, playful, committed, creative, proud, caring, appreciative, serene, trusting, peaceful, courageous, determined, glad, passionate, alluring, zestful, loving, relaxed, interested, enthusiastic, provocative, ecstatic, curious, energized, intimate, nurturing, compelling, sexy, sensual, clever, third patients, respectful, complete, tranquil, safe, in agreement, complete, satisfied, clever, respectful, complete, tranquil, safe, productive, involved, fortunate, respected, motivated, reckless, diligent, excited, fascinated, understanding, welcome, indispensable, responsible, refreshed, adequate, adaptable, optimistic, open, deserving, approachable, free, fulfilled, compassionate, secure, invigorating, encouraged, amenable, receptive, decisive, aware, strong, independent.

   Then, work through the following negative emotional states, releasing each one after fully experiencing it. Choose one emotional day. For instance, if you choose apathy, work on all the words listed under apathy for one day, then try working on grief the next day etc. Recall a time when you felt:

   1. Apathy:

      Cold, cut off, dead, defeated, depressed, discouraged, disillusioned, drained, futile, hopeless, lost, numb, overwhelmed, resigned, shocked, stuck, worthless, neglected, unaccepted, insignificant, lifeless, abandoned, loveless, pessimistic, rigid, stagnant, stop, intensive.

   2. Grief & Culpability:

      Abandoned, abused, accused, anguish, ashamed, betrayed, blaming, cheated, embarrassed, helpless, hurt, ignored, left out, longing, loss, melancholy, misunderstood, neglected, pity, pour me, regret, rejection, remorse, sad, unhappy, self-punishing.

   3. Fear:

      Trapped, anxious, apprehensive, cowardly, devious, doubt, dread, foreboding, inhibited, insecure, jealous, nervous, panicky, scared, secretive, shaky, shy, stage fright, suspicious, tense, withdrawn, worried, threatened, undesirable.

   4. Resentfulness:

      Exploited, harassed, frustrated, deprived, hurt, embarrassed, used, abused, confused, rejected, offended, unacknowledged, disappointed, ignored, hidden hostility.

   5. Anger:

      Bitter, exasperated, irate, boiling over, aggressive, furious, hysterical, annoyed, defiant, demanding, disgusted, fierce, frustrated, furious, hatred, impatience, out-of-control, mad, mean, outraged, rebellious, rude, spiteful, stern, stubborn, vengeful, vicious, violent.

   6. Antagonism:

      destructive, sarcastic, cynical, critical, aloof, argumentative, arrogant, boastful, clever, contemptuous, craving, critical, demanding, driven, envious, frustrated, greedy, impatient, judgmental, manipulative, lack of acceptance or approval, need to be right, lust, obsessed, pushy, resentment, righteous, rigid, ruthless, selfish, self-satisfied, snobbish, spoiled, superior, unforgiving, vain, wanting desperately to have or to hurt; wanting to make another wrong.

   7. Indifference:

      Bored, careless, cautious, conservative, forgetful, indecisive, lazy, skeptical, tired.

      
      
      
      

4. Now practice expressing a whole range of different emotions. A single way is to take spoken statements from any fictional book and say them with the designated emotional expression. Really act out the part as if you had been hired at a great expense to play the part in a film.

5. If you look at the above list of emotions you’ll notice that they are arranged in a naturally occurring sequence. Starting at apathy, the emotions descend in emotional ‘tone’ through grief, fear, resentfulness on down to anger, antagonism, and finally indifference. There are all types of ‘victim consciousness’ with a relative absence of love. Going down in tone, one is increasingly ‘at the effect’ of another force, with reduction of choice.

   Moving up from apathy, the emotions rise in tone through competence, ecstatic, fascinated and on up too amused. These are all types of ‘creative consciousness’ based on love. Going up in tone, one is increasingly the creator of one’s state of being with increasing choice. Your knowledge responsibility and control increase for your circumstances, with a corresponding rise in communication, understanding and empathy with the people around you.

   Find a time where you moved from a higher emotion down through the scale to a lower emotion, and release the emotions as you do os, Do this a few times, and then dine some incidents where you moved from a lower emotion up through the scale to a higher emotion, and release these emotions.

Toxic Parents

We all have strong emotional reactions towards parents. However ‘good’ they were has parents, there were inevitably conflicts between what seemed best to the mature adults, and what was needed and wanted (however irrational) by the child. Some of us are in touch with these feelings, but others protect themselves from the intensity of their emotions by burying them.

The child in us may have come to the conclusion that it isn't safe to feel. Perhaps she was punished for expressing feelings, or perhaps her feelings were so painful that in order to make life tolerable, she pushed them deep into her subconscious. Perhaps she had to convince herself that she just didn't care., Needed to prove to her parents that they couldn't get to her.

Rational Emotive Therapy provides excellent tools to examine the issues of our parenting and obtain new clarity and understanding. The following procedure is based on the book "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Susan Ford. To take your understanding of these issues further, consider purchasing the book.

Exercise #5:

Take out your journal and follow the steps below. The following checklist is used as a starting point to get to deeply buried emotions:

Step 1. List One: Emotions

The checklist is divided into four groups: built, fear, sadness and anger. You are looking for automatic, reactive, negative feelings - the ones that usually cause self-defeating behaviors. Note which statements in the following list are true for you:

In your relationship with either or both of your parents, are any of the following statements true for you ,now or in the past?

1. I feel guilty when I don’t live up to my parents’ expectations.

2. I feel guilty when I do something that upsets them.

3. I feel guilt when I go against their advice.

4. I feel guilty when I get angry with them.

5. I feel guilty when I disappoint my parents or hurt their feelings.

6. I feel guilty when I don’t do enough for them.

7. I feel guilty when I don’t do everything they ask me to do.

8. I feel guilty when I say no to them.

9. I feel scared when my parents yell at me.

10. I feel scared when they’re angry at me.

11. I feel scared when I’m angry at them.

12. I feel scared when I have to tell them something they don’t want to hear.

13. I feel scared when they threaten to withdraw their love.

14. I feel scared when I disagree with them.

15. I feel scared when I try to stand up to them.

16. I feel sad when my parents are unhappy.

17. I feel sad when I know I’ve let my parents down.

18. I feel sad when I can’t make their lives better for them.

19. I feel sad when my parents tell me I've ruined their life.

20. I feel sad when I do something that I want to do and it hurts my parents.

21. I feel sad when my parents don’t like my friend, lover, husband/wife.

22. I feel angry when my parents criticize me.

23. I feel angry when my parents try to control me.

24. I feel angry when they tell me how to live my life.

25. I feel angry when they tell me how I should feel, think, or behave.

26. I feel angry when they tell me what I should or shouldn’t do.

27. I feel angry when they make demands on me.

28. I feel angry when they try to live their lives through me.

29. I feel angry when they expect me to take care of them.

30. I feel angry when they reject me.

Further instances may be elicited by completing the sentence … ‘Regarding my parents, I feel guilty when…’ and similarity for other emotions.

Alternative feeling may also be elicited by completing the sentence: ‘When I don’t live up to my parents expectations I feel…’ and similarly with other situations above.

Step 2: Release

Use the Procedure for Releasing you have learned and have become comfortable with, experience and finally release the most moving or strongly felt emotion from Step 1.

Step 3: List Two: Beliefs

The second checllist identifies beliefs the underlie one’s emotions. The statement corresponding to the most moving or strongly felt emotion from step 1 is read out, followed by “because…” followed by each of the following beliefs..

(Emotional statement from step 1) because:

1. It’s up to me to make my parents happy.

2. It's up to me to make my parents proud.

3. I am my parents whole life.

4. My parents couldn't survive without me.

5. I couldn't survive until my parents.

6. If I told my parents the truth about (my divorce, my abortion, my being gay, my fiancee being an atheist, etc.) it would kill them.

7. If I stand up to my parents, I’ll lose them forever.

8. If I tell them how much they hurt me, they will cut me out of their lives.

9. I shouldn't do or say anything that would hurt my parents feelings.

10. My parents feelings are more important than mine.

11. There’s no point in talking to my parents because it wouldn’t do any good.

12. If my parent would only change, I would feel better about myself.

13. I have to make it up to my parents for being such bad person.

14. If I could just get them to se how much they’re hurting me, I know they’d be different.

15. No matter what they did, they are my parents and I have to honor them.

16. My parents don’t have control over my life. I fight with them all the time.

17. Because? (Is there some other belief that underlies this emotion?)

Step 4: Seeing the Connection

The emotion and underlying belief are then repeated as a whole statement, e.g."I feel guilty when I do something that upsets them because I shouldn't do or say anything that will hurt my parents feelings". Any further emotions that emerge are handled by the releasing procedure.

This piggyback technique helps you to make a lot more sense out of your emotional reactions; you will probably be surprised at how many of your feelings have their roots in your beliefs. This exercise is tremendously important; because once you understand the source of your emotions– your own beliefs– you can take responsibility for them and control them.

Step 5: List Three: Behaviors

Beliefs lead to rules, emotions make you obey them, and that is what leads to behavior. Having recognize relevant emotions and beliefs, behavior patterns can now be addressed. The following behaviors followed into two categories: complaint and aggressive. See if the actions in the following list corresponds to your behavior results from the above feeling unconnected belief:

Does (the connected statement from step four) leads to any of the following behaviors?

1. Tending to give into your parents no matter how you feel.

2. Not telling them what you really think.

3. Not telling them how you really feel.

4. Acting as if everything is fine between you when it isn't.

5. Being phony and superficial when you're with your parents.

6. Doing things out of guilt or fear, rather than odor free choice.

7. Trying very hard to get them to change.

8. Trying hard to get them to see your point of view.

9. Becoming the peacemaker between them.

10. Making painful sacrifices in your own life to please them.

11. Continuing to be the bearer of family secrets.

12. Trying to prove to your parents that you're right.

13. Doing things you know they won't like to show them your independence.

14. Screaming your parents to show them they can't control you

15. Having to restrain yourself to keep from attacking them.

16. Cutting your parents out of your life.

17. Some other self-defeating, painful or inappropriate behavior?

Step 6: Complete the Procedure

Go back to step one and see if there are other strongly felt emotions regarding her relationship with your parents and handle these in the same manner, until you feel released from any bad feelings, however much you might have previously been suppressing them.

You may not be able to change lifelong patterns of behavior overnight, no matter how self-defeating they now may seem to you. What you can do is start to challenge such behaviors as they emerge again without painful consequences, and to recognize the underlying misconceived or limiting beliefs on which they're based. Discard them to allow your true self to emerge. That way you can come to know who you really are.

Reframing

The opposite of being reactive is being responsible. When you're being responsible, you're thinking as well as feeling: you're experiencing your feelings but also conscious of your Self and therefore not driven by emotion to act impulsively. As you become free from a reactive behavior then to that degree you know that you are also free to be spontaneous, because you know that will incorporate responsibility.

Responsibility also allows you to maintain your self-worth, despite anything your parents, or anybody else for that matter, might say about you. The thoughts and feelings of others no longer drag you into it could be of self-doubt. You will see all sorts of new options and choices in their dealings with other people because your perspective and your sense of reason are not being buried by emotions. Taking responsibility for your mind put back into your hands a good deal of control over your life.

By understanding how easily reactive responses can take over one's behavior you will find yourself not taking personal offensive when others behave badly; you can see that they are just dramatizing the problems and conflicts in their own heads. Enlightenment always leads to understanding, empathy and improved communication, in short, love.

Reframing is to make statements of responsibility that empower your choice in the situation, rather than being a victim.

When parents and others continue to attempt to manipulate and dominate, you can then stay calm and refused to be stampeded: then you retain the power. For example by responding non-defensively, this breaks the cycle of attack– retreat– defense – escalation. The moment you argue, apologize, explain, or try to get them to change their minds, you gave them the power to withhold the understanding that you're asking them for. One can say,"that's an interesting point of view", or "I shall consider that as one option". It is also necessary to assert one's position in a matter of fact manner, without worrying about upsetting them, but without any hostility or in their sense: "I'm happy to let you stay for a specified, limited time".

One’s response to this approach may be to say"I just don't think I can stand up to my parents". Instead of saying"I can't", reframing a statement in the form: "I haven't yet stood up to my parents". Haven't yet implies choice, where as don't and can't imply the opposite: finality. ‘I should’ or ‘I must’ can be reframed: "I could choose to".

There is a big difference between choosing to capitulate to your parents because you’ve considered the alternatives and decided that you’re not prepared to make a change at this moment, and automatically capitulating because you feel helpless. Making a choice means taking a step towards control. Knee-jerk reacting means backsliding into being controlled.

These same principles of course apple to all relationships, not just child-parent ones.

It’s Their Responsibility

Recognition of what is not your responsibility is as important as realizing what you are responsible for. It is necessary to let go of the responsibility for the painful events of your childhood and put it where it belongs. Visualize the little and helpless child that you were (perhaps with he help os a childhood photograph) and say out loud to that child:

“YOU WERE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR…”

1. The way they ignored or neglected you.

2. The way they made you feel unloved or unlovable.

3. Their cruel or thoughtless teasing.

4. The bad names they called you.

5. Their unhappiness.

6. Their problems.

7. Their choice not to do anything about their problems.

8. What they did when they were drinking.

9. Their hitting you.

10. Their molesting you.

    Add any other panful, repetitive experiences that you have always felt responsible for.

The second part of this is assigning the responsibility where it belongs to the parents. To do this, address the child within, and repeat every applicable item on the list above, but proceed it no with the words:

“MY PARENTS WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR…”

Again, add anything that is relevant to your personal experience.

Taking personal Responsibility

Putting responsibility where it realistically belongs squarely on your parents’ shoulders does not give you license to excuse all your self-defeating behaviors by saying “It was all their fault.” The following list will help you to focus on some of your adult responsibilities, as they apply to your relationship to your parents. Say out loud:

“AS AN ADULT, IN RELATIONSHIP TO MY PARENTS, I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR…”

1. Becoming a separate individual from my parents.

2. Looking honestly at my relationship with them.

3. Facing the truth about my childhood.

4. Having the courage to acknowledge the connections between vents of my childhood and my adult life.

5. Gaining the courage to express my real feeling to them.

6. Confronting and diminishing the power and control they have over my life, whether they are alive or dead.

7. Changing my own behavior when it is imitative of may parents manipulative, critical or hurtful ways.

8. Reclaiming my adult power and confidence.

Some of the goals may be easier than others, but they are all attainable, you can free the child within you from the perpetual punishment.

Exercise #6: Toxic Relationships

Along the same lines as the ‘toxic parents’ procedure, the enmeshment with past or current relationships, such as with the lover, spouse, close friend or work colleague may be examined with respect to beliefs, emotions and behaviors, along the lines of Rational- Emotive Therapy. As with your parents, there are inevitably conflicts between what seems best to the other person in the relationship, and what is needed and wanted by you. You may be in touch with some of your emotions, but on other issues, you may feel the need to protect yourself from the intensity of your emotions by burying them.

Step 1: Person Addressed

The first action is to make a list of the people with whom you have had relations of one sort or another, and addressed the following procedure towards the person who brings up the strongest emotions.

Step 2: List One: Emotions

the checklist is divided into four groups: guilt, fear, sadness and anger. You're looking for automatic, reactive, negative emotions– the ones that usually caused self-defeating behaviors. The statements in the following list are read out loud, and statements which ring true are noted.

in your relationship with (person), which of the following statements is true for you, now or in the past?

1. I feel guilty when I don't live up to (person’s) expectations.

2. I feel guilty when I do something that upsets him/her.

3. I feel guilty when I go against his/her advice.

4. I feel guilty when I get angry with him/her.

5. I feel guilty when I disappoint (person).

6. I feel guilty when I hurt his/her emotions.

7. I feel guilty when I don't do enough for him/her.

8. I feel guilty when I don't do everything he/she asks me to do.

9. I feel guilty when I say no to him/her.

10. I feel scared when (person)yells at me.

11. I feel scared when he/she is angry at me.

12. I feel scared when I am angry at him/her.

13. I feel scared when I have to tell (person) something he/she may not want to hear.

14. I feel scared when(person) threatens to withdraw his/her love.

15. I feel scared when I disagree with him/her.

16. I feel scared when I try to standup to him/her.

17. I feel sad when(person) is unhappy.

18. I feel sad when I know I've let (person) down.

19. I feel sad when I can't make(persons) life better for him/her.

20. I feel sad when(person) tells me I've ruined his/her life.

21. I feel sad when I do something that I want to do and it hurts(person).

22. I feel sad when(Personal) doesn't like my friends.

23. I feel angry when (person) criticizes me.

24. I feel angry when (person) try to control me.

25. I feel angry when(person) tells me have to live my life.

26. I feel angry when (person) tell me how I should feel, think, or behave.

27. I feel angry when (person) tells me what I should or shouldn't do.

28. I feel angry when (person) makes demands on me.

29. I feel angry when (person) tries to live his/her life through me.

30. I feel angry when (person) expect me to take care of him/her.

31. I feel angry when(person) rejects me.

Further instances maybe elicited by completing this sentence:

‘Regarding (person), I feel guilty when…’, and similarly for other emotions.

alternative emissions may also be elicited by completing the sentence:

‘When I don't live up to you (persons) expectations I feel …’, and similarly for the other situations above.

Step 3: Release

Use the procedure for releasing to focus on, experience and finally released the most moving or strongly felt emotion from step 2.

Step 4: List Two: Beliefs

The second checklist identifies beliefs that underlie one's admissions. The statement corresponding to the most moving or strongly for commission from step two is read out loud, followed by ‘because…’ and then each of the following believes:

(emotion statement from Step 2) because:

[where … insert persons name]

1. It's up to me to make… happy.

2. it's up to me to make… Proud.

3. I am… Whole life.

4. … Couldn't survive without me.

5. I couldn't survive without….

6. if I told you… The truth it would kill him/her.

7. if I stand up too…, I'll lose him or her forever.

8. if I say how much… Hurts me, he says she will cut me out of his/her life. I shouldn't do or say anything that would hurt… Emotions.

9. … Emotions are more important than mine.

10. there's no point in talking to… Because it wouldn't do any good.

11. if… But only change, I Would feel better about myself.

12. I have to make it's up to… For the things I've done wrong.

13. if I could just get… To see how much he or she is hurting me, I know he/she would be different.

14. … Must not have any control over my life.

15. I can't stand… Behavior.

16. all men/women are like…

17. because???(Is there some other belief that underlies this emotion?)

Step 5: Seeing the Connection

The emotion and underlying belief are then repeated the whole statement, e.g. "I feel guilty when I do something that upsets him/her because I shouldn't do or say anything that will hurt… Emotions". Any further emotions that emerge from handled by the procedure for releasing.

Step 6: List Three: Behaviors

Having recognized relevant emotions and beliefs, behavior patterns can now be addressed:

Does (The connected statement from step 5) lead to any of the following behaviors?

• Tending to give in to… No matter how you feel.

• Not telling him/her what you really think.

• Not telling him/her how you really feel.

• Acting as if everything is fine between you even when it isn't.

• Being phony and superficial when you're with….

• Doing things out of guilt or fear, rather than out free choice.

• Trying very hard to get him/her to change.

• Trying hard to get him/her to see your point of view.

• Becoming a peace maker between you and….

• Making painful sacrifices in your own life to please him/her.

• Having to bear… Secrets.

• Trying to prove to… That you're right.

• Doing things you know… Won't like to show him/her that you're independent.

• Screaming at… To show that he says she can't control you.

• Restraining yourself to keep from attacking….

• Cutting… Out of your life.

Step 7: Complete the Procedure

Go back to step to and see if their are others strongly felt emotions regarding her relationship with this person and handled these in the same manner, until you really feel released from any bad emotions, however much you might have previously been suppressing them. And clear relationship with other people on your list at step one.